Weasley Claus and Tonks the Red Nosed Metamorphmagus
by TLX
Summary: It was the best of plans, and the worst of executions. Written as part of the TL 2013 Holiday Exchange for BadMum by LightblueNymphadora.
1. Chapter 1

Tonks threw her bathing suit into the wash basket and stepped into the steaming hot shower. She chuckled, hearing a screech from outside. Charlie was home.

Sure enough, five minutes later, Charlie had stepped into the shower behind her.

"No funny business," she said. "I have a meeting to go to after lunch."

"How's the training going?" Charlie asked, washing the soot from his hair.

"Better than your dragon taming, apparently."

"Training," he said. "Not taming. And it was only a little singe today." He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her shoulder. "I know how much you're enjoying Hawaii, but I think we should pay a visit to our families for the holidays. It's almost Christmas, after all, and you know how both our mothers are," he added with a grin.

"I agree. Mum just sent me a letter this morning about how she's feeling awfully neglected."

Charlie chuckled, snorting some water up his nose. "Birds of a feather, our mums. We should do something special for them for Christmas – for all of them."

"Did you have something in mind?" she asked, hair turning pink, then orange.

"Not in the slightest."

Tonks hummed and hopped out of the shower after rinsing her hair one more time. "Are we going to tell them we're coming, or is it going to be a surprise?"

"Let's surprise them. Oh Merlin's tit rings, I have an idea!"

"No," Tonks said, turning around so fast that she flicked toothpaste onto the wall. "No. I know it's usually you telling me that, but I know a crazy idea when I see it forming behind your eyes, Charles Fabian Weasley."

"It's not crazy! You'll like it!" he insisted. He poked his head out of the shower, even though he had his eyes screwed shut from the shampoo running down his face. "Really this time! Not like the doughnut fiasco last year."

Tonks snorted. "Doughnut fried chicken sandwich – on what level did you think that was a good idea?"

"Focus – eyes on the present," he said, disappearing back behind the steamed glass.

"My eyes are on the present – to the point where all I'm thinking about is lunch. I'm going to go make sandwiches, and then we'll hear your brilliant plan."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, they were both seated at their small balcony table, enjoying lunch together in the warmth of the afternoon.

"Let's have it, then," Tonks said, stealing one of Charlie's crisps. "What's this idea of yours?"

"We play Santa for Christmas," Charlie said, smiling broadly.

Tonks dropped her sandwich. "You want to axe murder your family on Chri—"

"No, no! The Muggle version of Santa!" Charlie clarified. "You know, more of the presents and less of the demonic reindeer and slaughter by wands. All the nieces and nephews know it. Dad started them on it when Victoire was born."

"Right," Tonks said. "Knew that. Just checking. Okay, so what do you mean? We go around breaking and entering to deliver presents?"

"Exactly!" Charlie looked entirely too pleased with himself. "And then we show up for Christmas lunch at Mum and Dad's and surprise them! It's perfect – your mum goes over there all the time anyway. You know she'll be there for Christmas. And we'll get to see the rest of the family too. We'll leave presents for all of them!"

"Wait…just to make sure I have this clear… you want to break into Harry Potter's house? Harry 'Blimey, he's getting to be worse than Mad-Eye' Potter?"

"Er…we can alter the plan a bit for him and Ginny, I suppose," Charlie said, thinking about it.

Tonks thought about it for a moment. "Okay," she said, nodding slowly. "I guess that sounds like fun. But that means we need to go shopping today. I'll be home in a couple of hours and we can go."

"Right then," Charlie said, leaning over to kiss her. "Have a good meeting."


	2. Chapter 2

Christmas Eve rolled around, and Tonks was shoving all of their gifts into a sack. It had an Undetectable Extending Charm on it, and probably would have been close to a hundred pounds if not for the convenient bit of magic. She carried it, whistling, to the balcony and stopped dead.

They were living in an all wizards' community in Hawaii, so random and extravagant displays of magic were commonplace. This, however, was pushing it…. In the entire world there were exactly five species of dragon that could be tamed and trained – the South African Palm Scale, the Laotian Creeper, the Nordic Ice Breath, the Canadian Split-tongue, and….

"Where the hell did you find eight Hawaiian Swamp Puffers?" Tonks screeched.

"Sometimes, love, the only answer I feel comfortable giving you is silence," he said, grinning. "Climb aboard! We can put the bag between us."

The dragons weren't in a line like the reindeer in the picture book. They were staggered, trailing downwards, so that no jets of flame (from either end of the dragon) caught anything or anyone on fire. When Tonks climbed aboard, she could hear them hiccupping happily.

"Ready?" Charlie asked. He was bouncing in the seat like an eager schoolboy on a fieldtrip.

She just smiled and nodded, hanging on to the railings.

"On Squeaky, on Wreaky, on Pooter, on Groffles! On Cider, on Glider, on Jack, on Waffles!" Charlie called, snapping the reigns. They shot forward, jets of flames going out underneath them.

Tonks barely had time to laugh at the names before she was slammed back into the seat as they raced over the Pacific toward California. "Charles, I'm going to kill you!" One of the things she'd forgotten about this species was that they were rather powerful for their small size. Only about the size of a Labrador, each could shoot a jet of flame about five feet, and they were incredibly fast.

Charlie's laughter boomed along the sky as they sped across the scenery.

* * *

"Sir?" the young officer approached the Major cautiously. He didn't want to be doing this – not at all. But they'd drawn straws and so it was his job to tell his grumpy superior that the dumbest job of the year just got complicated.

"Jackson," Major Torres said, nodding to a seat. "Spot any sleighs or reindeer?"

"Er…as a matter of fact, ma'am, yes," he said, flinching when she turned those piercing brown eyes on him.

"Come again?"

"There's…been sightings," he stammered, then composed himself. He was a military man, damn it. "On the west coast. California and Nevada have reported a flying sleigh –"

"Well they're all high out there, it's probably the drugs getting to them."

"Er…no ma'am. The news captured it. Something about the reindeer not looking right."

She wheeled over to where the young man was holding an iPad and looked down at it. "What the hell?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Were there…any other reports?"

"No, ma'am. They lost it after Utah."

Major Torres scratched her shoulder. "Looks like Santa's working backwards this year."

* * *

"How's that concealing charm holding up?" Charlie called above the wind. They were over Iowa now, and the dragons were taking them higher to escape the stench of the pigs and cows.

"Fantastic," Tonks said grumpily. "Why didn't we think to do that before we started out? Or, better yet, why didn't we Apparate to England, then figure this out with Thestrals?"

"This makes more of a splash! Where's your sense of adventure?"

"You're the Gryffindor here, not me," she said, smirking.

He stuck his tongue out at her. "Don't be such a Grinch."

"A who?"

"A… never mind," he said, chuckling. He'd never quite gotten her into Christmas movies, though they both enjoyed a good slasher flick every now and then. "Here, have some Christmas Spirit."

Tonks took the proffered flask and took a swig. It was good – spicy, with a slight hint of peppermint. "It's good. What's it called?"

"Christmas Spirit. No, really, that's the name."

"You've been hanging out with the Americans again, haven't you?" Tonks asked, laughing.

"Maybe…."

It was comfortable in the sleigh, since Charlie had cast a weather shield before they took off to keep out the worst of the cold, and Tonks kept their concealment charm up. They had to stop to let the dragons rest somewhere along the east coast, but they were flying over England by midnight. Tonks tapped the map with her wand.

"We're headed too far north," she said.

"Right-o," Charlie said, pulling at the reigns a bit.

They were at Bill and Fleur's house within another half hour. It took a little maneuvering, but Charlie managed to get the sleigh parked. Tonks jumped out with the sack, while Charlie went around feeding the dragons. She remembered something, and morphed.

"Er…Nice to see you getting into the spirit of things," Charlie said, looking back at her.

She grinned, rosy cheeked. Her new-found girth was hard to manage, but she got the hang of it after a moment. "I think I look jolly enough to pass for Santa if I get caught by Victoire and Dominique."

"I just…don't know how I feel about you actually looking like Santa."

She rolled her eyes.

"Ah! There! Now you look like Tonks!"

She threw a snowball at him, hoisted the sack, and climbed into the chimney. This was a bit tricky, as she had morphed into the first form of "Santa" she could remember. Thus, she was slightly too rotund to fit down the tiny rectangular space. She was stuck. Like really stuck.

"Fuck!" she hissed under her breath. She wiggled, trying to see if she could keep up her current shape and still fit down. She couldn't. She morphed back to normal, and fell the rest of the way down, landing on the cold logs with an "Omph!"

The living room was decorated in soft blues, silver, and gold. The Christmas tree stood twinkling in one corner, and she could see the ocean through the window just beyond it. She quickly Summoned the presents, and placed them under the tree. As she was closing the bag again, she heard tiny feet and whispered voices coming from the hall. Quickly, she sent the bag back up the chimney, morphed to match the general color scheme of the room, and crouched behind the sofa.

Victoire and Dominique peeked into the room a second later.

"Look! Santa came!" the little boy gasped.

"Shhh! You'll wake Mum and Dad."

Tonks sat (well, squatted) behind the sofa, completely still and hoping the two didn't decide to sleep under the tree. Then she heard another set of footsteps. "Bugger it," she whispered through clenched teeth.

"Kids?" Bill's voice rang out through the quiet room. "Come back to –"

"Santa came, Daddy!" the little boy squeaked.

For a moment, all Tonks could hear was the shuffling of footsteps, and the rustling of paper. Her legs were starting to hurt from the position she was stuck in.

"So he has," Bill said. "Well, you two need some sleep. I'll wake you up early so we can have breakfast and open presents before we go to Grandmum's."

Tonks let out a sigh of relief, and then froze as Bill peeked over the side of the couch. "Er…hi?"

"Evening, or rather, morning!" he whispered cheerfully, holding a hand out to her.

"How did you know I was back here?" she asked grumpily.

"One, I heard someone say 'Bugger it', and my kids don't know that one yet. Two, you knocked over one of the nutcrackers, and three, you wrapped the presents in Hawaiian wrapping paper. How's Charlie?" he asked, grinning.

"Freezing his arse off, probably. We had this whole thing planned out," she whined.

"Your secret's safe with me," Bill said, winking.

"Bill? Tell Tonks she iz coming wiz me and 'ermione to ze Solstice Festival zis weekend."

"Hey Fleur," Tonks called quietly.

Bill laughed. "Get back up to Charlie. Have fun."

Tonks gave him a hug before Apparating back onto the roof. She laughed to find Charlie huddled in the sleigh underneath a thick blanket.

"Oh good, I can put the shield back up," he said, shivering. "What took so long?"

"I nearly got caught by the kids, and I did get caught by their parents," she said, hopping into the seat next to him.

"Right, well, next up are Percy and Audrey."

* * *

Percy and Audrey's house was something of a surprise. It looked like Christmas card store had vomited all over the tiny brownstone. There was no sense of theme, just twinkling lights of every color, gingerbread men and tinsel and snowmen everywhere. Tonks' hair went mad at the sight of it.

"See?" Charlie said, as the dragons pulled to the stop on the roof. "I knew she'd be great for him! He would've been way too uptight for this a year ago."

Tonks laughed and tossed him the bag. "I'll feed the dragons this time. You deliver."

"Right you are," Charlie said. He didn't bother with the chimney. He knew for a fact that it was one of the electric ones Harry had told them about. He Disillusioned himself and Apparated straight in. Nowadays, the security measures Wizards used always had exceptions that could be made. You could allow certain people entry, and Charlie was on everybody's "Yes" list. They did it out of habit from his bachelor days, when he would just show up unannounced and ask to borrow someone's couch for the weekend. When he Apparated in the living room, he trod on something sharp and pointy. Stiffling a scream with the collar of his jacket, he hopped around on one foot for a moment – and ended up stepping on one of the cars of a toy train. He slipped and fell onto his back, somehow managing to start the train. It took off with a "Wooo woooo!" and Charlie scrambled to figure out how to turn it off.

Too late. Percy came running in a moment later, wand at the ready. He stopped short when he spotted his brother. "Charlie? What on earth are you doing?"

"Dropping off your presents," Charlie grunted, picking himself up off the floor.

Percy fumbled with the train's controls and stopped it after a moment. "I see you had a run in with little Sebastian," he said, smiling and pointing to the toy hedgehog.

"Er…yeah. Here," Charlie said, Summoning two wrapped boxes out of the bag. "Happy Christmas!"

"Thanks, Charlie. Er…can you stay for some tea?" Percy asked hopefully.

Charlie smiled. He knew how much Percy had been struggling since the war. All was forgiven, but Percy at least hadn't forgotten. He'd been a little awkward with the family, but he was really trying. Charlie hugged him. "Can't right now. We're off to George's next. And Tonks is probably either freezing or slightly singed up there."

"Singed? Why – oh Merlin, are you using dragons, Charlie?"

"Don't tell Mother," he said, grinning. "She's going to find out tomorrow anyway. Night, Percy!"

"Night, Charlie."

When Charlie Apparated onto the roof again, Tonks had gotten into the Christmas Spirit again.

"Take it easy with that," Charlie said. "We don't want you falling out of the sleigh."

"That one on the left… the one you named Pooter? Accurate description," she said, taking another swig and showing him the recently healed burn.

"Oops," he said, grimacing. "Should have warned you. Are you okay?" He leaned over to give her a kiss.

"Fine," she said. "But I'll do the next delivery, thanks."

* * *

George and Luna decorated with supplies from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, so there were colorful explosions everywhere. It took Charlie three goes to get the dragons to land the sleigh on the roof, thanks to the gingerbread catapult. The dragons thought it was a game and kept shooting off after the tasty loaves. Finally, they landed, and Tonks hopped out. She swayed a little, and made a mental note not to have any more of the liquor.

Charlie sniggered a bit.

She stuck her tongue out at him. "What?"

"Your nose is all red," he said, chuckling. "Rudolph with your nose so bright," he sang.

"NO."

"Won't you guide my sleigh tonight," he continued, grabbing Tonks and spinning her around.

She laughed, then quieted herself. "Shh!" she said. "We've already gotten caught once, and from the stories, that's not what Santa's supposed to do."

"Right, right. Go on, then."

Tonks hoisted the bag and dropped down the chimney. She quiet liked maneuvering through the small space – it reminded her of Auror training. She landed lightly and ducked to enter the living room. For how crazy the outside was decorated, the inside was subtle and sophisticated – lit by a multitude of hovering golden candles, and decorated with poinsettias.

Tonks stopped dead, hearing a low moan and a grunt. She saw what she saw and made to turn straight back to go up the chimney. She tripped over a toy snowman and hit the floor.

George and Luna jumped. George fell off the couch, and Luna pulled the blanket up to her chest.

"Tonks…nice of you to drop in," she panted. "Did you manage to avoid the Dirigible Plums when you landed?"

"Er…yeah," Tonks said, bright red from head to foot. She tossed their gifts under the tree and shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot. "Er…see you at lunch, then!" she said, before Apparating back onto the roof.

Charlie was in the sleigh, looking at a map and whistling God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs. "That was fast! Didn't get caught, did you? Why are you blushing?"

Tonks twisted off the top the bottle and took a long swig. "Obliviate me, please."

"Oh for…they were fucking, weren't they?" Charlie asked, blushing as well.

"Memory Charm, Charles!"

He shook his head. "Not now, we've got to go. We have three more stops to make before we get to Mum's."

Tonks nodded but was counting in her head. Three? Harry and Ginny…Ron and Hermione… that was only two stops. Where else were they going? As they headed north over some long fields, she figured it out, but stayed quiet.

The cemetery was quiet, and snow covered – like frosting on so many little grey cookies. There was no one there as Charlie pulled up in front of a small gated area with the name Weasley on it. He wrapped the reins around the railing and Summoned one small package out of the bag. Taking Tonks' hand, they walked through the small plot until they reached the most colorful gravestone ever. It had been George's work – complete with tiny wands that shot sparks over Fred's name.

Charlie bent down and put the box up against the gravestone. He tapped it twice with his wand, and a beautiful lei came out of it and wrapped itself around the stone. "Happy Christmas, Freddie." He stood and took Tonks' hand again.

They stood there silently for another moment before heading back to the sleigh.

* * *

Ron and Hermione lived in a flat in London, since they both worked for the Ministry and hated to commute. There was a wreath on the door when Tonks walked up. Charlie was circling the skies, unable to land the dragons on the roof. She wondered, momentarily, if she was on their list of exceptions and could Apparate in, when the door opened.

"Hey Tonks!" Hermione said, holding a crying baby.

"Wotcher, Hermione!" Tonks said brightly. "How's Rose doing, then?"

"Colicky," Hermione said, ushering Tonks in. "Ron's been up with her all week while I got a project done, so I let him sleep tonight. So, what's with the Santa thing?"

"We told them not to tell!" Tonks said.

"Oh, no one told us," Hermione said with a grin. "I watch Muggle news when I stay up with this one – like Ron watches Muggle sports. You guys really need to work on your concealment charms."

"Damn," Tonks groaned, setting their presents under the tree. "Are you going to arrest us?" she asked, smirking.

"No. You wouldn't believe how we wizards break the Statute of Secrecy on the holidays. It's worse on New Year's. You may have to pay a fine, but I doubt it since you're living in America now. They may have something to say about it."

Tonks just shook her head. "Do you need anything?" she asked, nodding to the baby.

"No, thanks. We're fine. Will you be at Christmas lunch, then?"

"Hopefully, if we don't get shot out of the sky first," Tonks told her. "See you later, then."

"Bye, Tonks! Thanks for the gifts."

* * *

Grimmauld Place slid into view, and Charlie climbed the stairs to the house. The door swung open, and he smiled at Harry and Ginny. "Morning," he said. It was just getting light out. "Who tipped you off?"

"Hermione," Ginny said, hugging him. "She was worried that you'd come to some sort of bodily harm if you tried that chimney thing here without us knowing."

"I'm not crazy," Charlie said. "There was no way we were going to actually attempt to break in. That made worldwide news, it did, when that last bloke actually tried to rob you."

Harry snickered at the memory. "To be fair, it was his fault for trying to break into James' nursery. Any other room, it would've just repelled him out. And St. Mungo's got rid of the fuzzy warts in the end."

"Where's Tonks?" Ginny asked.

"On the roof looking after the dragons."

"You two can stay here and get some sleep, if you want," Harry offered. "The dragons can stay in the back garden."

"Cheers, mate! I'll go conjure a shed and flag Tonks down."

In another twenty minutes, the dragons were situated in their shed and Tonks and Charlie were snuggled under the thick blankets of one of the guest rooms. He leaned over to kiss her. "A job well done, I'd say, Mrs. Claus."

"Wotcher, Mr. Claus. But next year? We're just going with the standby of rum-soaked fruit cake."

Charlie laughed and held her close as the two drifted off for a few hours' sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Molly Weasley set the tureen of buttered peas on the table and counted the seats to make sure they had enough room. Most of the family would be there for lunch and presents. She helped Arthur put out the plates and napkins. As they were setting out the cutlery, something caught her eye. "Arthur! Look!"

"Hmm?" he asked, glancing out the window. "Charlie!"

Charlie and Tonks were leading a whole gaggle of Weasleys, Weasley spouses, and Weasley grandchildren up the long drive toward the New Burrow. They were dressed as Santa and Mrs. Claus again, but the rest of the group were sporting the Hawaiian shirts that had been a part of their presents.

"Oh, this is a wonderful surprise!" Molly said when Charlie made it to her.

"I know Weasley sweaters are the tradition, but we brought shirts for you and Dad too."

Arthur laughed as the group trouped in to the kitchen.

"Tonks, your mother just sent a Patronus to say she'd be here shortly. Does she know you're here?"

"Yes. We were going to stop by her house as well, but when we sent her a letter to see if she had plans for Christmas Eve, she said she was going out. I think she had a date," Tonks whispered conspiratorially. Actually, she knew her mother had a date. It had been hard to get her out of the house after her father died during the war, but she'd eventually started living her life again.

Molly laughed, eyes twinkling. "Good for her. Now, what's this about matching shirts?"

The doorbell rang about twenty minutes later, as everyone was gathering in the dining room. Andromeda followed Arthur in, stopping to hug her daughter and son-in-law.

"What's this about you two spending the night breaking and entering?" she asked.

Everyone laughed as they settled down for Christmas lunch.


End file.
